The Don'ts of Facebook

DON’T use your status to inform the world how much you love your bubba-boo-bear/scrummylicious poppet-darling soul mate. I don’t care how many sleeps till snuggletime or how much you miss or love him/her. Your friends will be more likely to be genuinely pleased that you’ve found happiness if they didn’t have it shoved in their face every time they log on.

DON’T let your soppy partners ‘like’ aforementioned statuses. The rest of the world seem to manage to be happy in their relationships without needing authenticate them on facebook, so unless you both are insecure, neurotic and possessive idiots who need to constantly remind the world that the other one is taken and want only to be defined in terms of a vomit-inducing couple, drop it. Thanks.

DON’T update your statuses on football all the time. People probably know from your ‘interests’ that you like Arsenal/Chelsea/Man U, let alone your profile pictures depicting your teams’ occasional glory year when they won a trophy of some sort. No one wants to read 'F*CCKKINNG GET IN! HAAA TAKE THAT YOU D*CKHEADS, trust me. Get a personality or something instead of being defined by a team like millions of others, or do you just have nothing else to offer? 

DON’T update your statuses every two seconds informing everyone that you’re ‘eating a banana’ or ‘watching television’ or ‘having a cup of tea.’ You’ve got twitter for that, and no one actually cares/wants to know, anyway. If I wanted a running commentary on your diet/television-watching activities, I’d ask. Trust me.

DON’T use facebook to update the world on how many words out of an essay you’ve written or bitch about how many exams you’ve got. Guess what? We’ve all got essays and exams and are all on facebook in a desperate bid to ignore them or as a welcome break after a hard push of writing or revising. So stop reminding everyone of work or rubbing it in their face that you’ve written 1245/1500 words. This is especially true of the dissertation status epidemic that appears to sweep the nation faster than swineflu every year at around Easter time.

DON’T whine about how much you dislike the new facebook layouts. Accept the fact that every few months it is going to adapt slightly, annoying though this is, in order to attempt to stay on a par with other social networking sites etc. Less of the whole ‘OMG I CANT NAVIGATE AROUND IT, SHIT ITS JUST SO ALIEN TO ME, I SHALL THREATEN TO STOP USING IT BUT OF COURSE NEVER WILL.’ It gets boring after a while.

DON’T use your status to write that you're 'so upset' or 'crying' or 'feeling like ending it all.' Stop being so goddam attention seeking and get a grip - call a friend or your family or something. Similarly don't use it to be 'devastated and heartbroken' or to have a not so subtle cryptic message to someone who hasn't text you back or doesn't like you anymore or has dumped you. Seriously, you're worth more so have some dignity and stop giving them the satisfaction of knowing that they dominate your life.

DON’T speak as if you’re still 13. You’re probably not Laughing Out Loud or Laughing Your Arse Off etc. You’re not trying to save money by squidging everything you want to say into one text as facebook is free, and if you’re on it then it can be assumed you have got a few extra-precious seconds to type words out properly. Cz dis iz rly anoyin n we arnt 13 on myspace nemor tryin 2 fit in n be kewl. And while you’re at it, please learn to differentiate between your and you’re. Because my not angry at your incapable grasp of the human language, I am.

DON’T spend hundreds of pounds on ridiculous DoubleTake Studio photoshoots just for the sake of a profile picture. Do you really hold yourself in such low esteem that you need the validation of a photo comment saying ‘u look buff hunni’ to know that you’re both an attractive and nice person, which usually you are anyway?

DON’T for GOD'S SAKE do ANY MORE of those RIDICULOUS quizzes. Can you really not get through life without knowing what your hairstyle personality is/how old you are in cat years/which type of car you are/which vegetable you are most similar to/which season you represent/which punk rock star you most resemble or what the name of the person you are going marry is? Seriously.

Rant over. For now...